I know I'm a bit behind on this one. But I just heard about him on Kevin & Bean this morning. Bo Burnham
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
You Fail!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
More Stuff Should Require Licenses
Computers should require licenses to use them. Imagine if Cars didn't require a written test and had help lines?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
Second Call:
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
Second Call:
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
Keeping a Healthy Level of Insanity During the Holidays
Getting bored during this Holiday season? Especially at work? Try some of these to keep your insanity level at an all time high =)
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses
on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if
they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.
Insist that your e mail address is:
Cylon-Model6@companyname.com or
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little
synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual
favors.'
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's
what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with
the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness
level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others
that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation ever
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically
after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't
rhyme.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly
the same outfits. Wear them one day after your
boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss
is of the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them
what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs
me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a
tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling
name, Rock Hard.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream
"I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're
loose!"
Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that
bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy,
we are going to have to let one of you go."
Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother
is here!"
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses
on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if
they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.
Insist that your e mail address is:
Cylon-Model6@companyname.com or
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little
synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual
favors.'
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's
what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with
the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness
level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others
that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation ever
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically
after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't
rhyme.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly
the same outfits. Wear them one day after your
boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss
is of the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them
what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs
me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a
tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling
name, Rock Hard.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream
"I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're
loose!"
Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that
bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy,
we are going to have to let one of you go."
Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother
is here!"
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Cisco branching into Spanish Music?
Here's a blog entry from a Cisco user as well as an article on SlashDot regarding this little incident.
Apparently someone just got a new Cisco firewall and with it the latest VPN Client Software cd... Or so they thought. When attempting to use the CD they discovered that it instead contained 12 tracks of mexican music.
Ahh to be a fly in the wall at THAT meeting...
"You accidentally did WHAT?!"
"Well... ya see... I was burning the CD for the new VPN Client software and accidentally clicked on the My Music folder instead."
"But... You don't even speak Spanish!"
"So?"
Apparently someone just got a new Cisco firewall and with it the latest VPN Client Software cd... Or so they thought. When attempting to use the CD they discovered that it instead contained 12 tracks of mexican music.
Ahh to be a fly in the wall at THAT meeting...
"You accidentally did WHAT?!"
"Well... ya see... I was burning the CD for the new VPN Client software and accidentally clicked on the My Music folder instead."
"But... You don't even speak Spanish!"
"So?"
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report...
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report...
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Reminds me of my job
FLAT TIRE
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
YUCK! What's so funny?
Kids today have the oddest sense of humor...
Nathan is having a laughing fit after he drooled while Daddy gave him a kiss and said yuck.
Nathan is having a laughing fit after he drooled while Daddy gave him a kiss and said yuck.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Too True
Wonderful New Product
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold ass much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].
"The Winning Entry"
The following is the 2007 winning entry from
an annual contest at Texas A&M University
calling for the most appropriate definition of
a contemporary term.
Last year's term was ' Political Correctness '.
The winner wrote:
'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a
delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted
by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold ass much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].
"The Winning Entry"
The following is the 2007 winning entry from
an annual contest at Texas A&M University
calling for the most appropriate definition of
a contemporary term.
Last year's term was ' Political Correctness '.
The winner wrote:
'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a
delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted
by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Need a Date?
Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies)
Disclaimer: ZombieHarmony is for zombies only. We advise signing up for ZombieHarmony only if you lack a pulse, have limited motor skills, or feel an intense desire to feast on human beings. We are not responsible for lost or ingested loved ones. If you go on a date with a zombie, we cannot be held liable for contributing to the apocalypse.
Please date responsibly: bring a baseball bat or crowbar.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Woman's Poem
"Woman's Poem"
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his mother used to do.
~Unknown
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his mother used to do.
~Unknown
Funny
Ok this guy is awesome. I've never laughed so hard in my life. Please don't complain to me about him telling racist jokes... If you watch his stuff you'll realize he makes fun of everyone... but Mostly himself. And as I like to say... "I'm not racist... I hate Everyone equally!" ~Unknown
Now give it up for Jeff Dunham. Or as Peanut likes to say... Jef-fa-fa DUN-ham... DOT com... HA-HA-HA...
Silence!... I KEEL You!!
...on a shhteek
Now give it up for Jeff Dunham. Or as Peanut likes to say... Jef-fa-fa DUN-ham... DOT com... HA-HA-HA...
Silence!... I KEEL You!!
...on a shhteek
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